Crumbling Empire Placeholder for Chapter 6

This was where Chapter 6 was, which is the confronting-the-past chapter.  Which it didn’t do. It skirts around that issue and tries to figure out why Yuen looks like someone else. I bet you can guess.  Go ahead. Why does she look like someone else? Why, indeed? Maybe it needs explosions.

If you are new, Chapter 1 is here.

As of 1/18/16, I’ve removed it. I left the comments here because those are useful.



3 thoughts on “Crumbling Empire Placeholder for Chapter 6

  1. Alright, I’ve got some unsolicited feedback. Take it or leave it, I never assume I’m actually right about stuff:

    For most of the first 1/3rd to 1/2 of this chapter the writing feels choppy, the sentences are short and punchy like you might have at the height of some action, but the action doesn’t seem to fit that style here. The following is an example of something that felt slighly punchier than it might be. I don’t get the sense of intensity suggested by this passage.

    The door cracked open, and Sister Mary Angela peered out. “Something isn’t right. Get inside, though we do not usually permit guns in this place.” Her dark skin held the wrinkles of many years of service to Christ. She wore a threadbare coat over a nightgown.

    The dialogue throughout feels a bit clunky, there is so much going on that I think it would read better if it were broken with action beats a bit more than you have done. Some of this comes from some repeated information. Here’s an example of what I’m thinking of:

    “Father O’Hare, I’m Lieutenant Monroe, and thank you for providing my troops and I with lodging. Our troops recently landed on Reville, and discovered the planetary governor decided to switch governments on us. Our ship was attacked without provocation, and now here we are. You know Yuen; she was one of your charges a few years ago. How long ago, Yuen?”

    This reads like a re-cap of the past 5 chapters. The reader knows all of this. Might I dare to suggest something more along the lines of:

    “Father O’Hare, thank you for providing us with lodging. I’m Lieutenant Monroe, and this,” he said, nodding toward Yuen. “Is Lance Corporal Yuen. I understand she was one of your charges.”

    “It was some years ago,” the priest said with an oily smile.

    “Four,” Yuan interjected curtly.

    And so on…

    Anyhow, that’s my two cents: 1.) look out for pacing, 2.) break up the dialogue, especially instances where the speaker goes from one subject to another subject as he does in the last sentence of the sample paragraph. To me that one is screaming for some kind of action beat.


    • Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. I’ll take a look at the scene. It hasn’t been rewritten yet, so I’m going to blame everything on that. It is a first draft. I was chugging through it, and so that’s part of the stiltedness. I’m also feeling out my voice. I could write longer sentences, but I’m working on not using passive, deleting adverbs, and all that nonsense. It’s quite a process.

      I will come back to this, though. Thanks for the feedback. I’ve found your input to be valuable and useful.

      Liked by 1 person

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