Am I the only one who wants to line edit Nigerian spam?

Seriously! I get these emails, and I think, “Yanno, for five bucks, I’d edit your email so it seemed legitimate.” Then again, I don’t want to help fraud. And I also get that these guys are trying to defraud someone using a non-native language. (It’s encouraging that Nigerians are learning English, however, even if it is for criminal purposes. Imagine the schools over there: “You need to learn this language so when you’re older, you’ll be able to create better fraud letters on the internet.”)

Then again, there’s an interesting book idea: What if one of these scams was actually true, and there was some guy who decided to give me a million dollars?

I’m pretty certain they’d probably send me a telegram instead of an email. Or even snailmail something to me.

Look at the latest offering. In it, Mrs. Robin Sanders has kindly offered to help me with my beneficiary’s application, which Glenda Ward is trying to steal by claiming to be me (grrrrr). Luckily, Robin’s got my back:

Attn; Beneficiary,

I am Mrs Robin Sanders, Former U.S.A Ambassador to Nigeria. With reference to your entitlement fund and inline with the CHANGE OF BENEFICARY’S APPLICATION, signed by Mrs. Glenda F. Ward with your purported authorization. This issue has been carefully examined and we have declined Mrs. Ward’s application as the application lacks regular signature. But Did you ever instruct Mrs Glenda F. Ward to claim your fund worth US$7.000.000? Below is the bank account information provided by Mrs Glenda F. Ward saying that you authorized her to claim your fund that you are terminally ill.

  2. BANK ADDRESS: Kerrville Texas 78028 USA 3. ACCOUNT #: 3202650 4. ROUTING #: 114922443

If you had not authorized the change of your bank account in respect to your outstanding entitlement Payment, therefore notify me immediately as the notification / declaration was supported with a sworn affidavit from Lagos high court ref: ilk /jj/202/k2015, dated 28th August 2016 and signed by Mrs. Glenda Ward who claim and stated in the sworn declaration that you authorized her to claim the said fund on your behalf to a different bank account in the U.S.A as stated above because you were terminally ill and the Doctor who is incharge of your case stated that you will not stay more than one Month before passing away.

This development has caused lots of discrepancies in your payment file that is why we had to suspend your payment and prompted to contact you directly before re-validating your payment. You can be rest assured that I will do everything within my capacity to successfully actualize the quick transfer of your fund to any of your nominated bank account.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible so that I will direct you on what to do.

Sincerely Yours
Mrs Robin Sanders
Fmr. U.S Ambassador


Quick! Find an editor. Go.

Is there a resource where we can get a book that lists editors, their specialties, books they’ve edited, contact information, location, and a blurb about them?

It’d be a phone book of editors, of sorts.

Or do I need to write it?

It’d look sort of like this:

Name: Bob the Clam
Type of editing: Line/Copy/Content/Developmental/Proofreader/Beta reader/critique partner
Books edited: Gone With the Wimp, Catcher in the Sty, Rudes, To Kill a Mockingjay, A Light We Can See, Last 100 Words, the Wrong Brothers, Girl Off a Train, Kim Kardashian: Shellfish
Location: Australia
Preferred genres: Any, Climate Fiction, books about fish
Pricing: US$.08 per word, first 100,000 words, discount after.
Glowing recommendations:
Jim the Clown, Author: Bob really helped me. You see, I always boldly and dramatically use adverbs. Eventually, I’ll learn to promptly and regularly remove them. Then I’ll live victoriously. However, Bob also removed only half the words in my manuscript, very cautiously. He performed his work terrifically and quickly.

If this already exists, splendid. Where is it? Is there a secret website known only to the in-crowd authors?

If not, is it something you’d pay a dollar for to buy on the great slushpile? You think an editor would pay to be in it? What about if the editor pays extra for a big blurb while everyone else rides for free? Or is this odious, and you authors are saying, “I’ll find my own darned editor, Pontius, you miserable bar sinister! I don’t need your help.”