Am I the only one who wants to line edit Nigerian spam?

Seriously! I get these emails, and I think, “Yanno, for five bucks, I’d edit your email so it seemed legitimate.” Then again, I don’t want to help fraud. And I also get that these guys are trying to defraud someone using a non-native language. (It’s encouraging that Nigerians are learning English, however, even if it is for criminal purposes. Imagine the schools over there: “You need to learn this language so when you’re older, you’ll be able to create better fraud letters on the internet.”)

Then again, there’s an interesting book idea: What if one of these scams was actually true, and there was some guy who decided to give me a million dollars?

I’m pretty certain they’d probably send me a telegram instead of an email. Or even snailmail something to me.

Look at the latest offering. In it, Mrs. Robin Sanders has kindly offered to help me with my beneficiary’s application, which Glenda Ward is trying to steal by claiming to be me (grrrrr). Luckily, Robin’s got my back:

Attn; Beneficiary,

I am Mrs Robin Sanders, Former U.S.A Ambassador to Nigeria. With reference to your entitlement fund and inline with the CHANGE OF BENEFICARY’S APPLICATION, signed by Mrs. Glenda F. Ward with your purported authorization. This issue has been carefully examined and we have declined Mrs. Ward’s application as the application lacks regular signature. But Did you ever instruct Mrs Glenda F. Ward to claim your fund worth US$7.000.000? Below is the bank account information provided by Mrs Glenda F. Ward saying that you authorized her to claim your fund that you are terminally ill.

  1. BANK NAME: BANK OF AMERICA
  2. BANK ADDRESS: Kerrville Texas 78028 USA 3. ACCOUNT #: 3202650 4. ROUTING #: 114922443

If you had not authorized the change of your bank account in respect to your outstanding entitlement Payment, therefore notify me immediately as the notification / declaration was supported with a sworn affidavit from Lagos high court ref: ilk /jj/202/k2015, dated 28th August 2016 and signed by Mrs. Glenda Ward who claim and stated in the sworn declaration that you authorized her to claim the said fund on your behalf to a different bank account in the U.S.A as stated above because you were terminally ill and the Doctor who is incharge of your case stated that you will not stay more than one Month before passing away.

This development has caused lots of discrepancies in your payment file that is why we had to suspend your payment and prompted to contact you directly before re-validating your payment. You can be rest assured that I will do everything within my capacity to successfully actualize the quick transfer of your fund to any of your nominated bank account.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible so that I will direct you on what to do.

Sincerely Yours
Mrs Robin Sanders
Fmr. U.S Ambassador

 

25 words for other words

Bookmarking this to read later:
25 Words for other words.

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CAPITONYM: A capitonym is a word whose meaning changes depending on whether it is capitalized or not, like Turkey and turkey, Polish and polish, or August and august. Most capitonyms are entirely coincidental and the two words in question are entirely unrelated, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes the difference between the two is much more subtle, like moon (any natural satellite) and Moon (our natural satellite, from which all others are named), or sun (a star at the centre of a solar system) and Sun (our star).