Logline – comments gladly accepted, please skew the averages

It’s a good logline, really. From https://screencraft.org/2014/11/10/how-to-write-effective-loglines/

Yesterday, I wrote out my process for establishing the logline for my novel (which is 26k already written. Better late than never).  I figured for the folk out there who’ve never done a logline, watching my tortured process might be helpful. I had a short logline which I liked, but it was still lacking. I ended with this:

“A marine orphan must stop her family from a galactic takeover.”

I submitted it to the peanut gallery after some handwringing about wanting to say something about orphan who joins the marines but not wanting to imply the story was about the process of joining the marines, and darn if Mister Cool Hand Boyack didn’t just nail it.  He said:

An orphan who joined the military returns to her home planet to…

Boom. That’s what I need. Let’s cobble that together with my semi-final from yesterday.

An orphan who joined the military returns to her home planet to stop her newly discovered family from a galactic takeover.

I added “newly discovered” because that’s important, otherwise the orphan/family part doesn’t make sense.

What do you think? Opinions, comments, etc. gladly accepted. Go ahead and comment to throw off the averages and help me out. Even if you’re one of them there Romance novelists and this isn’t your cuppa, comment to say “it’s not my cuppa but it sounds good as a logline” or “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it” or whatever it is you have to say. Or promote your book. Or your editing services. Comment. Yes. Go, you masses of readers. Your work here has begun.